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Full text of "The Probe"



25 cents 

Administration Approves 
Russell Towers Conversion 

As part of Russell Towers Parking Lot project, students are being relocated to convenient 
housing in Athol. 

by Teenee Butcher 

Staff Writer 

The residents of Russell 
Towers dorm will soon have to 
find a new place to live as it was 
approved that the co-ed dorm 
will be converted into a parking 
garage by the end of the sum- 


"The students have been com- 
plaining about not enough park- 
ing for some time now," says 
one administrator, "and the 
residents of Russell have been 
complaining about the large 
number of fire alarms. This is 
just killing two birds with one 

stone so to speak." 

It came as a big shock to the 
residents of the dorm when they 
were notified through campus 
mail that next semester they 
would need to find a new place 
to live. "I just signed my con- 
tract for next semester and had 
a room all reserved," said one 

fnotos by Marlene Desautels 

found the bodies of two students who were killed 

D6Eltn Oil Campus Police 

/"^l _ yy\v\i •* o when an unknown sniper threw books out a third floor window 

Vydlll^J U.O of Thompson Hall. 

G-Lobby Major 

by Daphne 
Staff Writer 

At a recent meeting of the 
faculty and administration, 
held at Slattery's Back Room, a 
proposal for a new major at 
Fitchburg State College was of 
top priority on the agenda. 
After much research and analy- 
sis and quite a few margeritas, 
the motion was passed and 

signed. The G-Lobby major is 
official, it will be instituted dur- 
ing the upcoming Assessment- 
Party with Diki Week, taking 
place on the college campus. 

A glowing President Marcos 
stated, "I can now hold my head 
high. The G-Lobby major will 
make FSC an even more presti- 
gious school than Harvard and 

A drooling, but happy Dr. 

This is the semi-ammai April Fools issue of The 
STROBE. Although no harm is intended in the con- 
tent of any article as they are all purely fictional, we 
hope you will support our advertisers as all of the 
ads contained herein are true. We hope you will en- 
joy reading this issue as much as we enjoyed pro- 
ducing it for you. 

Thank you, 
The Editors! 

Snizz said, "The G-Lobby major 
will be a far more difficult and 
advanced program than the 
Nursing major. The students 
will definitely be a lot cuter, 
too. . . where 's my spritzer?" 

Requirements and criteria for 
the G-Lobby major are advanc- 
ed and often extensive, 
—substantial partying is a must 
—cum is never to exceed a 1.6 
—teaching or marketing 

—Friday classes are always 

—SAT's must have a combined 

score of 200 points and no 

—200 hours a semester must be 

spent unproductively in 

designated spots in G-Lobby. 
—enforced dress code: polo 

shirts, camo pants, too much 

Polo cologne, Lacoste 

sweaters and polyester sweat 

suits (gold chain is optional). 

Dislocated Russell Towers students set up living arrange- 
ments near Conlon. 

resident, "and so has everyone 
else. There are no more dorm 
rooms available! I live two 
hours away from the campus 
and it is going to be a rough 
commute unless I can find off- 
campus housing." 

How do the commuters feel? 
"I'm psyched," said one. "I 
won't have to park ten miles 
away from G-lobby and the 
quad and hike it in the snow and 

"I think it stinks for the ex- 
residents, but it's kind of nice to 
have a parking facility," said 

The tearing down of walls and 
bathrooms will begin May 25 th, 
the first Monday after finals. 
Hopes are that four floors will 
be done by graduation for extra 
parking for the ceremony. It has 
been confirmed, however, that 
by the summer's end, cars will 
have a nine floor parking garage 
to house them. 

As a toxic gas was found leak- 
ing in the Dining Commons, 
students were asked to dress in 
a fashion similar to the man 
shown above. A spokesman for 

ffwtv oy manene uesauieut 

Diki claimed that the gas was 
the result of the scrambled egg 
batter accidently mixing in the 
pancake mix. No further com- 
ments were made. 


Students enjoy a cool glass of 
lemonade during the recent 
surge of spring weather. 

Crockett and Tubbs visit Fitch- 
burg during a recent Frat Party. 

/New enrollees at FSC. i heue 
siamese twins, joined at the 
wrist, enjoy springtime on the 

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for dinner 
and cocktails 

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Dinner 3:00-11:30 
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where the campus counselor leaves off. We'll help you market 
your talents and skills in the best way possible. ..' 

ft Resume writing and production 

ft Cover letters 

ft Career consultation 

- Interview skills 

-Skill assessment and goal focusing 

- Individual marketing plans 

• Present your student ID and receive a 10% student dis- 
count at any of our locations. 

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For complete details, see your Jostens representative 

Date: April 1 and 2 (Tuesday 

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Time: 9:30 to 2:30 
Deposit: $25 
Place: The College Bookstore 



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The Strobe encourages all readers to express thrir opinions on any 


World Aid 

by Jiminy G. Saltzwoman 

There is a solution to all of the problems at hand. As you've been reading these editorials 
over the semesters, the problems, as it turns out, stem from a rather small group of indivi- 
duals . the superpower (and not-so-super) leaders. 

The proposition set forth in this editorial is a simple one. A rather small gathering of the 
elite, a gathering not unlike that in Philadelphia and London last July (Live Aid); similar to 
the gathering for Farm Aid and the celebrities' salute and tribute to the war against aids 
just after the death of Rock Hudson. 

The name could be World Aid. The plan is foolproof. It calls for the gathering of all world 
leaders and the troublemakers in one location. As with Live Aid, it could be held in 
London's Wembley Stadium or in Philadelphia. 

The guest list would be staggering. Naturally Reagan and Gorbachev would be there. 
Khadaffi, Baby Doc, Marcos, Aquino, Thatcher and even the likes of Reverend Moon 
should attend World Aid. 

Bishops Desmond Tutu, the Shah of Iran and the leaders of the PLO, Iraq, Egypt, Israel 
and Syria would all be waiting and wondering what this great summit would bring. 

And what would they be waiting for? How about a once-in-a-lifetime chance to be at the 
epicenter of a nuclear explosion. This may not relieve the problems of the world, but to nuke 
all the leaders would cause just enough confusion to make their encumbants stop and think 
... for a minute. 

And to top it all, after the explosion, all the media, television and radio alike, would 
broadcast this song/video (sung to Feed the World): 

It's nucleartime, but there's no need to be afraid 
At nucleartime, we let in death and we get them back 
And in our world of plenty we can spread a trail of calm 
Blow up your arms around the world, at nucleartime. 

So say a prayer, and kiss your bottom "bye" 

At nucleartime, it's hard, but when you're times running out 

No more world around your shoulders 

No world of dread and fear, Where everyone is running 

But to nowhere they can see 

And the sirens that are ringing add confusion to the fear 

Well tonight, thank God, it's quick to bring you down 

And there won't be life to remember it this nucleartime 
The only thing you'll know this day is death 
When no one ever knows where the missies are, they will blow 
Do you know its nuclear-time today? 

Kill the world— Do they know it's armageddon time 
Kill the world— Do they know it's armageddon time . . . 


Editors ov the Strobe, 

I wood like to adres an ishu 
close to mi hart-iliterasee. 
Beeng a teecher miself, I redilee 
undrstand the importanse of no- 
ing how to reed and rite. There 
for, I wood like to offer mi cer- 

vises to stoodents who wood 
like to lern how to reed and rite 
bettr. They kan contakt me by 
sending me a noat throo kam- 
pus mayl. Thangk yoo for yoor 

Doktor Ikanreed 

Unsigned editorials are the opinion of the Editor's Board. 
Signed editorials are the opinion of the author and do not reflect 
the opinion of the STROBE. 





If you have any ideas or suggestions concerning upcoming 
issues of The Strobe, please drop a letter in the Editor's 
mailbox or stop down the office sometime during the day, 
(The Strobe office is located on the bottom floor of the Ham- 
mond building). 


Now hiring for all positions 
including management in 
Fitchburg and Leominster. 
Apply in person at Pizza Hut 
in Searstown Mall. 




8 Day St., Fitchburg 

(Next to l-C Credit) 



Zippers Repaired On 
Coats, Boots. Jeans, etc. 

Independent Cleaners, River St. 
Fitch., Horrigan Cleaners, Central St. 
Gardner, The Ranch. Rte. 119 
Grotor,. AAA 03103. 











Fitchburg State College 
Cultural Society 


The Annual Spring 

Fashion Show 


Date: April 12, 1986 
Time: 7:00 P.M. - 9:00 P.M. 
Place: Percival Auditorium 
Tickets: $3.00 

These tickets can be pur- 
chased in the A.I.D. office 
which is on the third floor 
of the Hammond building. 
There will also be a party 
after the show. 



Partridge Family 

by Teenee Butcher 

Staff Writer 

After a ten year absence from 
the concert scene, the Partridge 
Family, super-group of the 
seventies, are on their way to 
the comeback trail. 

"The biggest names always 
make a comeback," said 
manager Rueben Kinkaid, "and 
who was bigger than Shirley 
and the kids? No one. that's 

"Peter Frampton isn't the 
only one coming back in the 
eighties," said bass player and 
band spokesman Danny Par- 
tridge, "and we're going to be 
bigger the second time around. 
He added that the band will pro- 
bably pass Bruce Springsteen in 


"I'm ready," said the 58 year 
old mother of the Partridge 
flock, Shirley Partridge. "My 
voice is in shape and as music- 
ally sound as ever. My body 
may be a little chunky, but I'm 
not planning on dancing like 
Michael Jackson."- 

Most of the family, like 
Shirley, are enthusiastic and 
happy to get back into the spot- 
light. There is one member 
however, tamborine player 22 
year old Tracey Partridge 
Walker, who will not be joining 
the band in its climb to the top. 

"I don't see what the fuss is 
about," said Tracey, "I never 
did anything anyway." Reasons 
behind Walker's leaving the 
group was mainly domestic. 

"I'm a wife and a mother now. I 
never really was into music 
anyway. Danny made me do it 
in the beginning." 

"I'm looking forward to hit- 
ting the charts again," said lead 
singer Keith, "I miss not having 
groupies." Keith is the only 
member of the band who has re- 
mained musically active since 
1976. Keith's voice can be heard 
on commercial jingles, such as 
on the Wriggly's Spearmint 
Gum song. "Only thing I've 
really missed is having 
groupies," said Keith, "I 
haven't gotten mailed in ages." 

The Partridges new album 
"We're Back" is still in the 
studio but look for its release 
this summer. 

Coffeehouse Talent 

by Teenee Butcher 

Staff Writer 

Over the years, the coffee- 
house/The Connection/The 
Union Stop Pub, has brought 
FSC talented bands and per- 
formers for the campus' enter- 
tainment through the programs 
committee. Well, hold onto your 
hats. The programs committee 
has out-done themselves by 
scheduling big names for the 
last month of school 

Look for names like The Cars, 
Aerosmith and Til Tuesday to 
start off the gala events as they 
come to their home state to per- 
form. Next, watch for comedy 
night and its double bill of Ed- 
die Murphy and Billy Crystal. 

"We wanted to draw a bigger 
crowd," says a committee 
member, "We figured big 
names mean big audiences. 
When we brought our proposal 
to the ACC, they approved it im- 

The student response to this 
new entertainment has been 
nothing but enthusiastic. "I 
think it's great," says a resident 
of Russell Towers, "I knew we'd 
have the big names here some- 

Out of all the students talked 
to, only fine had a negative 
response. "I think it is going to 
bring the wrong crowd in," he 
says, "Whereas if the entertain- 
ment was Boston folk singers or 
Boston Gospel, I think the right 

kind of people would turn out." 
Unlike the previous shows, 
there will now be an admission 
charge of $7 per person to at- 
tend the events. "The talent is 
performing at an extremely low, 
almost benefit performance 
price," says a program 
representative, "but we've 
decided that it's time we [the 
committee], show a profit like 
other clubs." 

The new schedule will be con- 
firmed next week. For final 
schedules, check out G-lobby 
for posters with your favorite 
performer's names on them and 
their dates. Suggestions for 
next year's schedule can be 
dropped off in the commuter's 

Photo by Martene Desautet- 

Streaker struggles to put on 
clothes after police chase him 
through the quad. 



Student overcome by uncontrol- 
lable ur^p to march. 


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Haha Beats the Heck Outta Hex 

by Red Baron 

Staff Writer 

It was simply touching. On 
his third and final attempt, FSC 
President and avid wrangler, 
Winny Haha eyed his opponent. 
In this case, a 600 pound saber- 
tooth bison named Hex. The 
crowd, chanting at the tops of 
its lungs a resounding "Win 
Win, Win Win, " gathered in the 
FSC quadrangle to witness this 

Hey, even emcee Howard was 
there. "Oh," Howard ex- 
claimed, "what we're about to 
see is a veritable potpourri of 
fun and excitement! Right 
here!" The crowd, with cheers 
led by SGA President Cal 
Christahan and Russell Towers 
R.A. Poppa Sodanowa, taunted 

the bison. 

Says one freshman, "He 
(bison) is so ugly! What happen- 
ed to his body? He has six eyes 
that make a stupid-looking ring 
around his head." The eyes may 
look "stupid," but they're to 
Hex what four tons of Alpo are 
to a french poodle. Understand? 
Sooo, with Haha's measly two- 
eye effort, one must 

"That's right," interrupted 
Howard. "One must ponder at 
this point in time, can Haha sus- 
tain and persevere through such 
great odds." "It's truly a test of 
the human spirit that endows 
one man to. . . " 

"Siddown Howard," yelled a 
raucous and rowdy bleacher 
bum crew. At this point, Haha 
accepted a 20-gallon derby hat 
from senior class president Nick 

Neardead and a blue velour 
warmup suit from the friendly 
ADAP people. Haha graciously 
nodded to his presenters and 
threw his arms up indicating he 
was ready to commence battle. 

So, incenter-quad, Haha was 
pinned with Hex and Hex with 
Haha. One-on-one and man 
against animal. The bell rang 
and the student body yelled 
words of encouragement to 
Haha. "Hit 'em where it really 
counts!," screamed FSC foot- 
ball coach Rave Limbo. "We 
want to see some heavy hittin." 

Haha swiped at the bison with 
an open fist, only to be 
countered with a beautiful bison 
tail-lashing. Haha, holding on to 
his forehead and gritting his 
teeth, stepped back in light of 
the blow. 

"Let's go Prez," exhorted 
usually mild mannered Dr. Dun- 
can Hines. "Kick the hex out of 
him!" Whether or not pun was 
intended, one will never know. 
What we do know is that Winny 
Haha is in severe trouble. 

"Oooohhh," cooed the crowd. 
Apparently, Haha has made a 
comeback. He has floored, or in 
this case, grassed, Hex at 2:32 
of the third round. "What hap- 
pened?" asked one observer. 

"Well," said official judge 
Don Ricklers, "my man here 
used the oldest trick in the 
book." "He convinced Hex that 
the sky was falling," said 
Ricklers. "When Hex looked up. 
Win reeled around and gave him 
the meanest shot to the ..." 

"Okay, I've heard enough. 
Why must you continue this 

descriptive account of "said 

"But this is the funny part, 
Howard," said Rickers. "Win 
gave Hex a mean shot to his bell 
that rested on his head." The 
bell, a 20-pound piece of cheap 
copper, proved to be Hex' worst 
enemy. As corny as it sounds, 
Haha rung the bison's bell. Not 
once, but 1,986 times, in 
recognition of our year. 

"All I have to say is bring on 
the Bud and we'll party 'til we 
drop," said Haha. 

"Winny Haha," monotoned 
Howard, "you have set a mark 
from which all. . 

"Siddown Howie!," raved 

On this, the first of April 
1986, President Haha was 
everyone's hero. The pride of 
FSC, you might say. 

Naaa. . just kidding. 

,'. ' irltnr ' 

Student** take time for an im- 
promptu Kiinic of "KiriK Around 
the Rosie."